What’s In My Bag – May 2012 Edition

I’m not really sure why I enjoy these so much, but here you go:

In the Coach Poppy New Willis (colorblock edition):

• wallet
• cable car ticket from SF
• keys
• small Moleskine cahier
• Orbit gum
• fresh Sugar lip treatment (in Rosé)
• albuterol inhaler
• two unopened packs of Avacyn Restored MTG cards
• Zippo lighter
• Nivea cream
• business card for a local froyo place
• pills
• movie ticket stub for The Avengers
• fortune cookie fortune
• ballpoint pen (I hate writing with ballpoints, but this has a really snug cap, so I’m not worried about leaking ink)
• Nintendo DS (with Professor Layton and the Last Specter in the DS slot and Final Fantasy VI in the GBA slot)
• not pictured: iPhone 4S (in a lovely, metallic incase raspberry shell)

This is all pretty day-to-day stuff to find stuffed into my purse (excepting the MTG cards, which are from a visit to the local game store), but what I would love to do is empty out my bag after a day at PAX. Considering my tickets and hotel are booked, it just might have to happen. Geeky swag galore!

Things I Am Loving, Early February Edition

The Hunger Games trilogy. I don’t know why I bother trying to avoid popular fiction sometimes; I usually end up enjoying it once I give in. I ended up devouring the three books in less than 24 hours. They’re riveting: very action-packed. I kept telling myself, “One more chapter,” and then I just finished the book. Very similar (almost felt a little knock-off-ish?) to the Japanese novel/movie Battle Royale, but I guess the whole contest-for-your-life-in-a-postapocalyptic-setting thing can’t really be copyrighted or trademarked or whatever. They’re both good, you should read both!

Everyday carry. I guess there’s a name for what I’m obsessed with, all those nicely-arranged photos of what is in people’s bags, or what guys carry around in their pockets, or people’s “necessities” or whatever. It’s on Wikipedia, so it must be official. There’s also a Tumblr. I’m more into the mundane stuff (wallets, notebooks, pens, makeup bags, trinkets) than the survival stuff, which some people take really seriously. But I have a real interest in the physical objects that people carry about. Part voyeurism, part curiosity, part I-don’t-even-know. I think you can tell a lot about a person by what objects they place importance on. The image below is my favorite from FY! What’s In Your Bag?, another fantastic Tumblr on a popular theme. How elegant!

Audiobooks. The drive from the Bay Area to Los Angeles is somewhere between 5-6 hours, depending on traffic and how fast you’re going over the speed limit. It’s not that awful, considering the Bay Area to Oregon was closer to 8.5 or 9 hours, but it still drags on, particularly since the majority of the drive is on I-5, which is quite possibly the most boring freeway (highway?) ever. I’m a big fan of audiobooks for the duration, which kind of let me read a book while driving. My favorites are Young Adult fiction from childhood (pretty much anything by Tamora Pierce), which I’ve read enough to know almost by heart. I also have these on in the back a lot while writing papers or cleaning my room. Comforting noise that I don’t have to pay that much attention to.

Strawberry mochi. It’s been a long time since I’ve had this stuff, but I threw it in my cart on a whim when I was at Trader Joe’s, picking up groceries. SO GOOD. I know the whole idea of gelatinous rice cake mixture wrapped around ice cream and then frozen doesn’t really sound so delicious, but it’s really excellent. As long as it’s strawberry. I think the sweetness of the ice cream flavor makes this, cause I don’t actually like the vanilla or chocolate flavors. Anyways: a good little dessert snack, not too rich or anything. I feel so Asian when I eat them.

Fresh Sugar Passion Tinted Lip Treatment. Okay, I know it’s ridiculous to spend $22.50 on a lip gloss. It’s not even lipstick. But this stuff is awesome. One layer is just a great hint of color, but you can pile the stuff on if you want it darker. It’s got a smooth texture, which I love, cause I hate waxy stuff like Chapstick. It even smells great! It comes in more restrained colors, like clear/nude/rose, but I love the Passion color, described as “sheer crimson red.” It’s stupid expensive for a single tube of lip stuff, but since I don’t wear foundation, eyeliner, eyeshadow, or… well, any makeup other than nail and lip stuff, I figure I still come out ahead of all my other girlfriends on $ spent on makeup products throughout the year.

Index cards. I think I could write an ode to index cards. They’re just so damn versatile. To-do lists, Latin flashcards, perpetual diary entries, recipe cards, you name it and you can use an index card for it. The rules 3×5 ones are my favorites for everything but flash cards, for which I prefer blank on both sides. Don’t even get me started about color-coding nouns and verbs and other bits of language.

Matchbook. It’s an online magazine, it’s free, and you can download their entire archive (13 issues, including this month’s) for free, if you sign up for a (free) Issuu account. It’s full of lovely design stuff, recipes, fashion, book reviews… pretty much everything I adore in life. Minus, you know, video games and football and all that stuff I inherited from my brothers.

As one of their features, they do a mini-interview with those they feature, and I figured I’d end on that. It’s called the Matchbook Questionnaire:

• Tea or coffee? Chai tea lattes.
• I collect… Notebooks. Office supplies in general. Books.
• Favorite city? San Francisco.
• Spring or fall? Fall.
• Bloom of choice? Sunflowers.
• Style icon? I’m a jeans/skirts/sweaters/flats girl. Not so much with the fashion.
• Fragrance? DKNY Be Delicious.
• Linens? Anything cotton in more than 400 thread count.
• China pattern? Plain white bone china. Elegant enough for fancy occasions, and simple enough for everyday.
• Most prized possession? My baby blanket. Or silver charm bracelet. Or stuffed dog, Macaroni. Or collection of past planners/journals/scrapbooks.
• Girl crush? Kate Beckinsale.
• Boy crush? Norman Reedus.
• On weekends… I start off slow, with buttered toast, orange juice, and fresh fruit.

What’s In My Bag – Summer 2011 Edition

Guys, I’m not going to lie, neatly arranging all my things for these pictures might be my favorite part of doing these posts. I get a sick amount of satisfaction in lining things up and stacking things and making it all fit into the (iPhone) camera frame. The same way I derive pleasure from organizing my closet by color and alphabetizing… well, anything. I might have a problem.

Anyways – yay for crossbody bags in the summer! I still have my cute little one from last summer (mentioned here), but with my Moleskine notebook and/or journal along, it took up 80% of the bag alone, so I decided that something larget would be helpful. With Emma’s helpful advice, I settled on the Fossil Sasha Large Top Zip bag – whew, is that a mouthful. Here is a link to the bag on Zappos, because it doesn’t appear to be on the official Fossil website anymore.

Again, I went with a dark brown shade. Brown crossbody bags make me feel like Indiana Jones, which is totally okay. Also, it’s a more summery shade than black, and it matches my really comfortable flat leather boots – so, an all-around win!

I really love the bag: just enough and not too many compartments (large interior with one zip pocket and two open pockets, one zip pocket and one magnetic clasp pouch on the front, one zip pocket on the back), big enough to toss in a magazine or water bottle for the beach, and very comfortable to wear. The strap is also adjustable, so I suppose you could carry it just as a shoulder bag as well.

Extra Bonus Desk Update*: I am forever complaining about not finding a desk I love that is big enough to sprawl out on – space for a lamp, and some jars for pens, and a few little dust collectors (like my twin ceramic hyenas), and my open laptop playing music and with a PDF or Word document open for reference, and my Diet Coke, and probably a dirty plate or two, and then either a full-size notebook or binder or a couple loose sheets of paper. I find it frustrating, and would be the kind of person that probably just needs a slab of plywood down on top of some sawhorses. But this afternoon I finally found something that works for me far better than my usual 10-square-feet-of-surface-area-desk-from-third-grade:

Yup. That would be my floor, and my bed at the bottom of the frame there. My bed is just on the floor (box spring and mattress), which makes it the perfect height and support for leaning against. Then, I just spread my things out in a semi-circle around me and presto, everything is in easy reach: sketchbook and art supplies, a few books, my laptop, journal, purse, pens, binder and paper… Also, if I decide to take a nap, I just clear some space and sprawl out on the floor (or I could get on the bed, I suppose, but I’m a big fan of lying down on the floor). Now I just need to find a pillow so my butt doesn’t go quite so numb…

*This probably does not interest most people, but then again, I write about notebooks and pens and office supplies and the contents of my purse on a regular basis and still get daily hits, so who knows?

Home is where the heart Is. And the books. Mostly the books.

I lied, faithful readers.

I said that I would have a post for you detailing the contents of my summer purse. Well, that is not to be today. I know that you’re devastated. The mystery of what lies within a woman’s purse is alluring, after all.

I decided to take it one step bigger and give you a tour of my room, instead. My mom helped me hang up all my freshly framed posters and such today, so my walls are no longer sad and stark, and I finally can share with you the haven that is my bedroom.

Photo-intensive details below the cut. Be warned, it’s all explained in excruciating detail. You know you’re curious.

What’s In My Bag? v.2

(If you’re a guy, you can probably tune out right here.)

Happy (early) birthday to me! At the beginning of the term, my dad let me order this beauty, my first designer product:

As classy as Coach’s “C” logo is, I’m a fan of the horse and carriage plaque even more. And as much as I loved my Fossil wristlet wallet (in gorgeous purple leather), I was tired of folding my bills to make them fit. Yes, I am crazy and prefer to store my money uncreased. A few weeks early for my birthday, I ordered a purse to match. Because, yes, I am that kind of person, and I wanted my bag and wallet to match. What did you expect from a girl who can’t stand to fold her dollar bills?

Going through my bags, I realized that while I had a small black crossbody bag from Fossil and a black clutch for formal occasions, I had no larger, ‘everyday’ black bag, which is pretty strange considering the vast quantities of black, white and gray I wear on a weekly basis.

I’m totally in love with it. The lining is a satin-esque fabric in this gorgeous bright red color, and there’s a zipper compartment inside as well as two slip pockets. I think the only thing I would change is a small compartment on the outside for my phone, but even so, it’s a fantastic bag.

Right now, the leather is a little stiff, but I’m sure that will gentle out with time and use. The short straps are really meant for hand-carrying or wearing at the elbow (it’s a satchel design), but are large enough to wear at the shoulder, if desired. The shoulder strap puts the bag at about the same position as my last purse, a Gap hobo bag in striped canvas. It’s perfect. And I’ve already stuffed it with my things and dragged it around to a couple classes:

It fits a deceptive amount of junk:

• two moleskines
• a small container of cream
• headphones
• a flash drive (you never know when you’ll need one!)
• pills
• my inhaler
• my wallet (which is nowhere near small, my friend Ryan thinks I could use it as a weapon should the need arise)
• a pencil case (stuffed with far too many pens)
• tissues
• my Nintendo DS
• a Zippo lighter
• my makeup pouch (stuffed with far too many kinds of lip gloss and Hello Kitty bandaids)
• a Sony digital voice recorder
• my really-old-and-desperately-needs-to-be-replaced-because-my-iPhone-takes-better-quality-pictures camera
• a softcover moleskine cahier in red

My sunglasses and keys and iPhone (which I took the picture with) aren’t included in that spread, but I have the space to fit them in. Also, my TI-84, for statistics quizzes.

In short, it’s love.

If I Had A Million Dollars…

You are given a gift of 1 million dollars (kindly adjust for currency in your location). There are some restrictions on how you can spend some of the money, as follows:

$100,000 must be donated to charity. What charities will you support?

I’ve written about it multiple times before, but I really love Penny Arcade’s Child’s Play – it really bothers me when I hear people and news media announcing that video games make people violent. I’d also support a few local, Bay-Area-based literacy and writing charities: 826 Valencia and The Office of Letters and Light. I’d probably go with 50% to Child’s Play, and 25% each to the other two.

$100,000 must be given to one person that you know. To whom do you give it? What would you expect him/her to do with it? Would you put any restrictions on its use? Would it make a difference if you could make the donation anonymously?

I can’t split this among friends/family? Really? I think that I would rather make 10 people happy with $10,000 each than make just one person happy with $100,000. I would probably say my dad, though… he could totally use it in a bunch of different places, and maybe even get his big-screen HDTV and Mini Cooper, too. As long as he doesn’t get it in orange, shudder. I like the idea of the anonymous donation – doing secret good deeds is pretty fun.

$100,000 must be given to someone who has recently been in the news. Who gets it? Why?

I, uh, don’t watch the news. Or read the news, really. One of my goals when I settle down in LA is to get a subscription to a real newspaper and force myself to read it every day, not just skip to the crossword puzzle and Entertainment section. In any case… I rarely keep up with the news, but I would probably donate the (hypothetical) money to science in some way, shape, or form – to an attempt to find/develop/produce a clean, non-fossil-fuel energy source, or stem cell research (since I’m a life-at-birth-not-conception person), or something like that. I think it’s a shame that so much of science ends up being politics and schmoozing and working to get funding – if they didn’t have to worry about things like that, I really think we’d be quite a bit further along in scientific development.

$100,000 must be spent on a public beautification project. You can build a park, commission artwork, etc. What do you do, and where do you do it?

I like artwork, and it definitely brightens my day when I pass by murals and such in public places, but I like the idea of a park better. A place to run and play and swing – oh my god, I love swing sets. Something with a small playground, and lots of grassy open fields, and maybe a gazebo – and definitely a swing set. Oh, and maybe a fountain. Can I do all that with $100,000? I thought building parks was expensive… As far as location goes, not in Oregon, it rains too much for it to be really enjoyable… maybe back home in the East Bay. I have a lot of really nice memories of Pleasant Hill Park and Roger Smith Park back home.

$100,000 must be spent on a memorial to someone/something that you have loved and lost. What form does the memorial take? Who is it for?

I think it would be a general ‘memorial’ for loved and lost pets. Cause, you know, they become family members, too. But rather than put the money into some extravagant marble or bronze monstrosity, I’d like to donate it to a variety of animal shelters or charities – seems like it would do more good that way, no?

$50,000 must be spent studying something you have not formally studied. What will you study?

Uh, how about being an awesome, crime-fighting superhero/ninja/all-around-badass? No, seriously, I could study martial arts and lockpicking and building Batman-esque gadgets, and stunt driving. How awesome would that be?

$50,000 must be spent establishing a scholarship. What’s it for and who will you name it for?

I’m going into Library and Information Studies, so I think I’d pick that field – it’s very widespread in applicability, what with the modern movement towards databases and other electronic forms of archive and storage. It would be a toss-up between naming it for Barbara Gordon or Rupert Giles – my favorite fictional librarians.

$50,000 must be given away in a contest. What kind of contest do you hold?

A contest to see if someone could actually design a reality TV show that didn’t suck? Oh, wait, they already found one – Beauty and the Geek. Do you know devastated I was when that show went off the air, and they didn’t release the seasons on DVD? I would split the $50,000 in half and ask contestants to design a study for $25,000 or under, including furniture and paint and what not. Half of the money would go towards implementing the design, and the other half would be the prize. That would be cool. Or just for designing something in general – maybe the ideal notebook, or something else I use regularly.

$200,000 must be spent doing as many things as you can on your “lifetime to do list.” Always wanted to see Alaska? Take a boat trip on the Rhine? What things would you do first?

I do really want to see Alaska! That would definitely be on the list, although I think I would have to wait until I was 25 so I could rent a car. I would definitely fly to Alaska and then drive around in a rented car, because it would be a long-ass drive (through Canada!) otherwise. In fact, I think I would just really like to explore the continental US in general – on a very long road trip. I’d grab some friends, a comfortably spacious car (maybe a mini-SUV like the CR-V or a RAV4, not a sedan or anything), and then just explore. Death Valley, Vegas, Montana (dinosaurs!), BBQ in Texas and the South, a fish boil up in Wisconsin, the French Quarter of New Orleans, there’s a ton of the United States I’m interested in, and that would be plenty of money for gas, hotels/motels, and spending money along the way.

That leaves you with $150,000 of mad money. If the rules say you can’t spend that money on things that might be termed “practical,” what do you buy on your spending spree?

Handbags. Luxury leather handbags. I’ve decided that I’m definitely a purse person. I’d buy a shiny new purse or four. Maybe some designer travel luggage. A new clutch. With what’s left over – a huge freaking television, the rest of the Xbox 360 controllers I need, a stack of video games I’ve been lusting over, and maybe even a Kinect, what the hell.

Thursday 13 – 13 Random Plinky Prompts

Plinky is an excellent website if you’re a blogger and you can’t come up with something to write about. They come up with a new prompt every day that you can use as a jumping-off point! I didn’t have an awesome unified theme for today (one of these days I need to sit down and draft a new list to work from for days like this), so I’ve grabbed 13 questions from Plinky for today.

1. What major sporting event do you get most excited about? (25 January 2011) That’s easy – the Super Bowl! I don’t care anything about basketball (too boring); while soccer players have excellent bodies, the game itself puts me to sleep; and baseball is only fun when you watch it live, primarily because of the garlic fries. I like hockey, and the Stanley Cup is fun to watch, but football, the Super Bowl, and the hilarious commercials definitely win out. (Although I really wish the Jets had beaten the Steelers.)
2. If only there were more hours in the day. What are your tips for saving time? (19 January 2011) Multitasking! Watch downloaded TV shows while doing the dishes, take out the trash on the way to the laundry, drop in at the grocery store for fresh fruit in the process of taking my morning walk. (But not doing homework while watching TV, because that just makes me take 4x as long to write a paper.)
3. Have you ever thought about starting your own business? (17 January 2011) I would love to own a little bakery and sandwich shop someday. Nothing huge, not a restaurant, but coffee and pastries and sandwiches and soups. A corner place, lots of windows, mismatched furniture inside – lots of big, squishy chairs.
4. Name something intangible you never want to lose. (15 January 2011) My curiosity and desire for learning. Picking up random facts, reading, watching trivia shows and playing trivia games. Learning new words.
5. Do you prefer to talk or text? (8 January 2011) Text, or talk in person. 90% of the time I loathe talking to someone on the phone.
6. What does your home say about you? (29 December 2010) That I love cooking – food prints on the wall. That I’m organized – term calendar on the door. That I love books – a packed bookshelf. That I love video games and other “nerd” things – Xbox 360, Rock Band equipment, Watchmen and Marvel posters on the walls.
7. What are your favorite holiday beverages? (24 December 2010) Martinelli’s apple cider, Starbucks pumpkin spice lattes and peppermint mochas, Baileys Irish Cream.
8. Would you ever get an e-book reader? (14 December 2010) Never. I understand the ease (portability, carrying lots of books at once), but there’s nothing like physically owning a book, turning (real paper) pages, and then having bookshelves full of things you own. Plus, I’ve never found a $20 tucked into an e-reader. I’ve found a couple used as bookmarks in my actual books. (The Penny Arcade comic at the end of the post amuses me on the subject.)
9. What charities do you support, and why? (2 December 2010) Child’s Play, because I can’t stand the claim that video games make people violent. And I like supporting animal charities, and support no-kill shelters, but I don’t like the crazy publicity stunts groups like PETA pull – paint on fur coats and stuff like that.
10. What’s the most romantic thing someone has done for you? (1 December 2010) A long time ago, a boy once brought me a single gardenia bloom, a tiny box of chocolates, a pizza and a DVD because he knew I wasn’t big on Valentine’s Day. (I like to think he chose Van Helsing because he knew I love Kate Beckinsale, too, but that’s unverified.)
11. You find a big spider in your bedroom. Your next move is to… (6 November 2010) If I’m in California, my next move is to call one of my parents into my room to find it. In Oregon… my ceilings are really high. I don’t know, I’d call someone else to take care of it, probably.
12. List 5 of your top dating deal breakers. (27 October 2010) Smoking. Being late. Prejudice or bigotry, including but not limited to homophobia, racism and misogyny. An overly controlling personality. Not liking a girl who orders a bacon cheeseburger and cheesecake at dinner instead of a salad.
13. Your house is on fire. What keepsake items do you grab, and why? (11 October 2010) My baby blanket. My notebooks. My stuffed dog, Macaroni. My boxes of photographs and letters.

Thursday 13 – 13 Fun Facts About Me

I am a firm believer that the best way to get to know someone is to ask them questions. Pointless questions. In fact, I have this whole list of them in my trendy moleskine, and a digital voice recorder to interview my friends. As Jeremy has described it, the questions don’t so much matter as the dialogue that comes from it.

Today I had no other topic on my mind, and for that reason (and because I’m a narcissist) you get thirteen fun facts about yours truly.

1. While I don’t want to go through journalism school, a part of me still dreams about being a journalist. This may have been evident by the interviews I mentioned, and the digital voice recorder I keep stored in my purse. The opening chapters to Chuck Klosterman’s Eating the Dinosaur has some fabulous views on interviews, and also he is a very clever writer. I highly recommend it.
2. I have this shopping addiction, it’s kind of a problem. It spikes whenever I go through a break-up or emotional trauma of one type or another, or whenever I find myself in Broadway Plaza. Current loves include those trendily giant sunglasses and Fossil products.
3. I love photography. I’m not terribly good at it, but my camera is a simple Casio point-and-shoot, so until I get a fancy SLR and still fail at it, I’m going to blame it on my camera.
4. I’m going to live on the coast someday. An NE Atlantic coast, or a northern California coast, something rocky and foggy and cold and grey. I love SoCal beaches, with their palm trees and sun and warm water, but I love Muir and Stinson more.
5. I devour watermelon in the summer. Seriously, the amounts are frightening. My family kept track of the number we ate one summer, I think it hit 23.
6. I love the trappings of church, despite being an atheist. Stained glass windows, towering ceilings, murmurings in Latin, incense, ritual – but I don’t believe in god.
7. I left my heart in San Francisco. For the aforementioned beaches, for the Embarcadero and the Ferry Building, and for cheap, delicious Dim Sum in Chinatown. I love the quirkiness of the MUNI schedule, the Palace of Fine Arts, and everything about the city, particularly coming in for a landing and seeing the city spread out below me. I’ve been to Los Angeles, Portland, Seattle, New York, and I love San Francisco best of all.
8. Someday I want to learn falconry. I know it’s silly and impractical, but I’m a medieval studies major, and it sounds like a ton of fun. I’ve already started archery lessons, and apparently I hear that jousting has come back as an extreme sport lately. Awesome.
9. I go through serious identity crises every couple years. I went from pink-and-purple kitten-print t-shirts in elementary school to black nail polish and pants with buckles and chains in middle school and early high school, to a lightly trendy wardrobe largely from American Eagle in late high school and early college. This summer has brought around contacts, huge sunglasses, and real, proper bangs for the first time since 10th grade.
10. I love libraries. Books, books, books. They smell delicious, and it’s so awesome walking around towering shelves of pages. They always have awesome hidden nooks-and-crannies, too, if you spend enough time wandering.
11. I have a weak spot for indie-ness. I wear thick, black-rimmed rectangular glasses when I’m not wearing contacts.* I have tattoos. I listen to Urban Outfitter’s LSTN mixes eagerly and lovingly. I like The Decemberists, Converse sneakers, and shy, sensitive boys with acoustic guitars. It’s a slippery slope.
12. I can’t play an instrument, but I really wish I could. Someday I’m going to learn to play the piano, violin, flute, and harp. Yeah, you read that right – the harp.
13. I studied Old English last year. I’ll be studying Attic Greek and Latin next year. My Old English teacher last year had a term for it: necro-linguist. Kinda has a cool ring to it, no?

23 Questions (Part 3/3)

17. You are sitting in an empty bar (in a town you’ve never before visited), drinking Bacardi with a soft-spoken acquaintance you barely know. After an hour, a third individual walks into the tavern and sits by himself, and you ask your acquaintance who the new man is. “Be careful of that guy,” you are told. “He is a man with a past.” A few minutes later, a fourth person enters the bar; he also sits alone. You ask your acquaintance who this new individual is. “Be careful of that guy, too,” he says. “He is a man with no past.”
Which of these two people do you trust less?

The man with no past. The guy with the past may have done some semi-sketchy things, but we all make mistakes. People with pasts tend to be more interesting, anyways. The guy with no past… well, first of all it’s just a weird thing to say. Secondly, what does that mean? Is he a newcomer and people in town don’t know about him? Did he suddenly appear in the middle of the town green, fully grown and fully clothed but no one knows where he came from? It’s just an all around strange situation.

18. You have won a prize. The prize has two options, and you can choose either (but not both). The first option is a year in Europe with a monthly stipend of $2,000. The second option is ten minutes on the moon.
Which option do you select?

The year in Europe, easy. Flying in a normal airplane terrifies me, there’s no way in hell you could convince me to get on a spacecraft and go to the moon. And you could do a ton in a year with a monthly stipend like that. What am I going to do in ten minutes on the moon? There’s nothing up there but dust and rocks.

19. Your best friend is taking a nap on the floor of your living room. Suddenly, you are faced with a bizarre existential problem: This friend is going to die unless you kick them (as hard as you can) in the rib cage. If you don’t kick them while they slumber, they will never wake up. However, you can never explain this to your friend; if you later inform them that you did this to save their life, they will also die from that. So you have to kick a sleeping friend in the ribs, and you can’t tell them why.
Since you cannot tell your friend the truth, what excuse will you fabricate to explain this (seemingly inexplicable) attack?

“There was a spider… on your side… it was big and black and hairy and it looked like it was going to attack!” Seriously, what the fuck do you say? I guess I’d either make up something wildly outlandish just for the hell of it, or just shake my head and be like, “Just don’t ask.”

20. For whatever reason, two unauthorized movies are made about your life. The first is an independently released documentary, primarily comprised of interviews with people who know you and bootleg footage from your actual life. Critics are describing the documentary as “brutally honest and relentlessly fair.” Meanwhile, Columbia Tri-Star has produced a big-budget biopic of your life, casting major Hollywood stars as you and all your acquaintances; though the movie is based on actual events, screenwriters have taken some liberties with the facts. Critics are split on the artistic merits of this fictionalized account, but audiences love it.
Which film would you be most interested in seeing?

I’m both intrigued and creeped out by the fact that there is “bootleg footage from [my] actual life” in the indie film… like, did they steal home videos or have people been creeping around with video cameras? In any case, I’d be more interested in the Hollywood picture, to see who they cast as me and my friends and what liberties they took with my life to make it more interesting or whatever.

21. Imagine you could go back to the age of five and relive the rest of your life, knowing everything that you know now. You will reexperience your entire adolescence with both the cognitive ability of an adult and the memories of everything you’ve learned from having lived your life previously.
Would you lose your virginity earlier or later than you did the first time around (and by how many years)?

Uhm, actually I’m pretty satisfied with how everything went down. No regrets or anything. Maybe I’d push it back like, another 3 months or something, but it’d be no huge change.

22. You work in an office. Generally, you are popular with your coworkers. However, you discover that there are currently two rumors circulating in the office gossip mill, and both involve you. The first rumor is that you got drunk at the office holiday party and had sex with one of your married coworkers. This rumor is completely true, but most people don’t believe it. The second rumor is that you have been stealing hundreds of dollars of office supplies (and then selling them to cover a gambling debt). This rumor is completely false, but virtually everyone assumes it is factual.
Which of these two rumors is most troubling to you?

The real one. Sleeping with a married coworker is totally trashy and terrible. Everyone steals office supplies, and at least if I have a gambling debt I’m cool. If I’m stealing office supplies to pay for it, I’m proactive about working it off as well!

23. Consider this possibility:
a. Think about deceased TV star John Ritter.
b. Now, pretend Ritter had never become famous. Pretend he was never affected by the trappings of fame, and try to imagine what his personality would have been like.
c.  Now, imagine that this person–the unfamous John Ritter–is a character in a situation comedy.
d. Now, you are also a character in this sitcom, and the unfamous John Ritter character is your sitcom father.
e. However, this sitcom is actually your real life. In other words, you are living inside a sitcom: Everything about your life is a construction, featuring the unfamous John Ritter playing himself (in the role of your TV father). But this is not a sitcom. This is your real life.
How would you feel about this?

This… is creepy. I like my dad. And the whole idea of my life being a sitcom but not really is a little too Truman-Show-esque for me. Anyways, being a Buffy fan, I mostly associate John Ritter with the creepy Ted episode, and so it probably wouldn’t be a very comfortable situation.

23 Questions (Part 2/3)

9. A novel titled Interior Mirror is released to mammoth commercial success (despite middling reviews). However, a curious social trend emerges: Though no one can prove a direct scientific link, it appears that almost 30 percent of the people who read this book immediately become homosexual. Many of these newfound homosexuals credit the book for helping them reach this conclusion about their orientation, despite the fact that Interior Mirror is ostensibly a crime novel with no homoerotic content (and was written by a straight man).
Would this phenomenon increase (or decrease) the likelihood of you reading this book?

Thirty percent is, what, a 1-in-3 chance? Hm. There’s no scientific evidence, but it seems pretty straightforward that the book is the cause… Am I currently dating anyone at the time? If so, then I might hesitate. It would suck to be ‘magically’ unattracted to your significant other. If I’m not dating anyone at the time, what the hell? Sure. Girls are pretty.

10. This is the opening line of Jay McInerney’s Bright Lights, Big City: “You are not the kind of guy who would be in a place like this at this time of the morning.” Think about that line in the context of the novel (assuming you’ve read it). Now go to your CD collection and find Heart’s Little Queen album (assuming you own it). Listen to the opening rift to “Barracuda.”
Which of these two introductions is a higher form of art?

I’ve never read that book, but I do like the introductory line. I have, however, listened to “Barracuda.” I’m at first inclined to say the novel, because music is just stringing together notes, but what is writing other than stringing together letters/words? And Hemingway and Beethoven are both artists, in my opinion. But I digress. I cannot choose because I have not read the book and I have only heard the song on Guitar Hero.

11. You are watching a movie in a crowded theater. Though the plot is mediocre, you find yourself dazzled by the special effects. But with twenty minutes left in this film, you are struck with an undeniable feeling of doom: You are suddenly certain your mother has just died. There is no logical reason for this to be true, but you are certain of it. You are overtaken with the irrational metaphysical sense that–somewhere–your mom has just perished. But this is only an intuitive, amorphous feeling; there is no evidence for this, and your mother has not been ill.
Would you immediately exit the theater, or would you finish watching the movie?

I would exit the theater to call her cellphone. The movie is mediocre anyways, and I’ll probably be forced to watch it on DVD once it comes out if the special effects are decent. I’d rather get rid of that creepy feeling. If I got a response on the cell, I would probably go back and finish watching the movie, if I didn’t get a response I would probably head out and go back home.

12. You meet a wizard in downtown Chicago. The wizard tells you he can make you more attractive if you pay him money. When you ask how this process works, the wizard points to a random person on the street. You look at this random stranger. The wizard says, “I will now make them a dollar more attractive.” He waves his magic wand. Ostensibly, this person does not change at all; as far as you can tell, nothing is different. But–somehow–this person is suddenly a little more appealing. The tangible difference is invisible to the naked eye, but you can’t deny that this person is vaguely sexier. This wizard has a weird rule though–you can only pay him once. You can’t keep giving him money until you’re satisfied. You can only pay him once lump sum up front.
How much cash do you give the wizard?

How much cash do I have on me?

13. Every person you have ever slept with is invited to a banquet where you are the guest of honor. No one will be in attendance except you, the collection of your former lovers, and the catering service. After the meal, you are asked to give a fifteen-minute speech to the assembly.
What do you talk about?

I think it would depend on what the banquet theme was. I mean, is the theme how promiscuous I am? Or is it for a completely unrelated subject? I think if I’m going to be made uncomfortable at the banquet, everyone else should be, too. I’d start discussing their proclivities in bed and rating them on a scale of 1-10. Awkward is best when shared.

14. For reasons that cannot be explained, cats can suddenly read at a twelfth-grade level. They can’t talk and they can’t write, but they can read silently and understand the text. Many cats love this new skill, because they now have something to do all day while they lay around the house; however, a few cats become depressed, because reading forces them to realize the limitations of their existence (not to mention the utter frustration of being unable to express themselves).
This being the case, do you think the average cat would enjoy Garfield, or would cats find this cartoon to be an insulting caricature?

I don’t really know people that like Garfield, I can’t imagine that cats would… Oh, except for when I was little I had this book that I ordered through the book club fliers schools used to hand out, and it had like three or four scary stories in it told by the Garfield characters… that’s the only time I can think of enjoying Garfield. There was slime and monsters and stuff. That was a cool book.

15. You have a brain tumor. Though there is no discomfort at the moment, this tumor would unquestionably kill you in six months. However, your life can (and will) be saved by an operation; the only downside is that there will be a brutal incision to your frontal lobe. After the surgery, you will be significantly less intelligent. You will still be a fully functioning adult, but you will be less logical, you will have a terrible memory, and you will have little ability to understand complex concepts or difficult ideas. The surgery is in two weeks.
How do you spend the next fourteen days?

Reading books and watching clever TV, like Daria. That or contemplating ways to kill myself. I could deal with a slight loss of logic or memory (you can always write stuff down at least, regarding the memory) but not being able to understand complex concepts or difficult ideas? I love the wry humor that seems to slip unnoticed past a lot of people in clever television shows. And I adore, absolutely adore books. I’m not sure I could live with a loss like that. I mean, it’s not like I’m a genius now or anything, but a loss like that is just scary to me.

16. Someone builds an optical portal that allows you to see a vision of your own life in the future (it’s essentially a crystal ball that shows a randomly selected image of what your life will be like in twenty years). You can only see into this portal for thirty seconds. When you finally peer into the crystal, you see yourself in a living room, two decades older than you are today. You are watching a Canadian football game, and you are extremely happy. You are wearing a CFL jersey. Your chair is surrounded by books and magazines that promote the Canadian Football League, and there are CFL pennants covering your walls. You are alone in the room, but you are gleefully muttering about historical moments in Canadian football history. It becomes clear that–for some unknown reason–you have become obsessed with Canadian football. And this future is static and absolute; no matter what you do, this future will happen. The optical portal is never wrong. This destiny cannot be changed.
The next day, you are flipping  through television channels and randomly come across a preseason CFL game between the Toronto Argonauts and the Saskatchewan Roughriders. Knowing your inevitable future, do you now watch it?

Ew. No. Even knowing that that future is going to come true, there’s no need to start watching CFL games any earlier than I have to.